How to Have a Happy Dirty Holiday

dirty holiday

Parents, it’s time to up your relationship game. Between the scheduling, chauffeuring and never ending snack prep, it’s easy to lose sight of how you and your partner used to connect. Let’s face it, parenting can be a major buzz kill. That doesn’t mean you ought to ship the young’uns off to boarding school. It’s just that parents need time-outs, too.

For anyone who’s ever fantasized what it might be like dining at a restaurant without a kid’s menu or catching a matinee that isn’t a cartoon, consider this your cue to plan a dirty holiday. What’s a trip without the ankle biters really like? Pretty frickin’ great, that’s what. Here’s what you need to know before taking the plunge.

drunk photo bomb

Just be careful if inviting other friends on your kid-free vacay.

Where to Go?

Where to bed down depends much on your budget, time allowance and location. If you’ve got a free pass AKA unlimited childcare, this is an opportune time to nail off a bucket list item. Celebrating a big anniversary or equivalent milestone, such as Junior going poop all by himself? Consider something monumental and very adult like. Wine touring in the Niagara Region or a swish spa getaway at Sparkling Hill Resort are splurge-worthy options.

beach cottage

Do you hear Barbados calling? (Photo credit: Turtle Beach Resort)

If you’re looking for nonstop action, consider a city break to Las Vegas, Vancouver or Montreal. Fun in the sun is easily had in Mexico and the Caribbean is but a four-hour flight from Toronto. If time is of the essence, opt for a destination a direct flight away. (Nobody wants their nookie run ruined by an extended layover in Denver.) Road trips also work well when you’re not listening to The Wiggles for eight-hours straight. Really, the point is to reconnect with your partner and you don’t need to jump time zones for that.

What to Bring

Low expectations and a relaxed attitude go along way when parents are getting reacquainted with each other. Take the pressure off. Don’t expect this trip to turn into a second honeymoon. Yes, you may get sexed every day, or your sweetie may get food poisoning and spend two days on the toilet. Now that your expectations are in check, consider toting these little extras to make your dirty holiday more enjoyable.

  • Sexy sleepwear
  • Birth control
  • Corkscrew
  • A yeast infection kit and antibiotics if the lady is prone to UTIs.
  • Light erotica in the Fifty Shades of Grey variety, if you suspect you may need assistance getting in the mood…
  • Imodium and other traveller’s medications
  • Hangover remedies such as Advil, Vitamin B and Emergen-C packets
mango margarita

Cocktails at lunch? Why not?!

Pre-Trip Prep

As busy as you may be in the weeks leading up to your trip, a little forethought goes a long way. You’ll feel much more confident on your holiday (I’m looking at you, ladies) if you budget time to do the following before your departure:

  • Get your hair trimmed and colour topped up. (You want to look your best in those holiday snaps.)
  • Get in for a pedicure and consider a gel polish if hitting the surf. You can probably skip the manicure, but calloused feet are a total turn off.
  • Remove as much unwanted body hair as you dare.
  • If headed to a tropical destination, consider taking an oral vaccine a few weeks before your trip to prevent traveller’s diarrhea.
  • Consult your doctor about any necessary medications or vaccines.
  • Treat yourself to new underwear and a bathing suit that doesn’t sag in the bum. You’re worth it.

5 Things to Consider with Caregivers

Now you can’t just call Grandma and expect her to step up to the plate. Discuss your plans with your caregiver well in advance and only book once you have their firm commitment. When dealing with caregivers, consider these five tips:

  1. Don’t call your kids every day. Ask them not to call you too often, either.
  2. Provide your caregiver with a detailed schedule of your child’s typical day including their sleep schedule, favourite foods and instructions on what to do if they wig out (either party).
  3. Supply a list of friends or babysitters your child knows, in case your caregiver needs assistance.
  4. Don’t stick your brood with someone they don’t get on with and vice versa.
  5. If relatives have made it clear their parenting days are over, use them for emergencies only. You’re better off opting for an all-inclusive with a stellar kid’s club than making everybody miserable.

Baby Steps

Yes, it’s entirely possible to survive a holiday without your children! If nervous, begin by taking baby steps. Make that first trip a trial run somewhere not too far away from home. By getting rest (and perhaps a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side), mom and dad gain perspective and are sure to return better parents for it.

Have you ever taken a trip without the kids? Did you feel any guilt?

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  1. June 3, 2015

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